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Every day I get 40 or 50 e-mails offering cheap, generic viagra. Even if I needed viagra – WHICH I DON’T – I would not buy the cheap generic stuff. I’d be flying first class, baby.
In addition to the offers for viagra, I get a lot of offers every day to buy other life-enhancing chemicals. Stuff with cool-sounding names like merida, tramadol, levitra, xanax, valtrex and phentermine. I don’t know what any of them are for. So thanks but no thanks. I don’t need any of them any more than I need viagra.
And if I do need drugs, I’ve got a dealer right up the street. You may have heard of him. He goes by the nickname “The Doctor.”
I also get lots of spam from services offering to link me up with beautiful young single women. Some of these women just want to talk to me on the phone. Some want to actually go out on dates. Some of these enticements are for young Christian women, although they show as much cleavage in their ads as the others. Sorry ladies. I am happy with the slightly older, married Satan-worshipper I’m currently dating.
Every day I get several e-mails offering to hook me up with my old high school classmates. Apparently they want to know what I’m up to these days. Why weren’t they that interested in me forty years ago? Especially the Christian girls with all that heavenly cleavage?
Another thing I get every day are offers to buy checks. Sorry, I get them free from the bank.
And ringtones. Man, are there ever a lot of people with cool ringtones out there to sell. Sorry, my phone came with a whole bunch to choose from. I especially like the one that goes “doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle.” Very catchy tune.
Not all of the spam I get is from questionable people trying to rob me blind. For example, I get lots of e-mails from sweet, generous guys in Kenya. They keeping coming into money but need a little help freeing it up. Apparently there’s a lot of bureaucratic red tape in Kenya. If I’ll send a few bucks to help them with the processing, they’ll give me a big share. Being the humanitarian I am, I always e-mail them right back:
Dear Rwzkgmdju,
Congrats on the windfall. Wish I could help. But my new checks haven’t come yet and I’ve got all these new ringtones to pay for. Seems I went a little overboard this month.
But, listen Rwzk (may I call you Rwzk?) Some of my friends and I are famous American authors and we are looking for someone to market our best-selling books in your country. We can offer you exclusive distribution rights for a mere ….
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You always start my week off with a laugh, C.R. Thanks for that.
I find it interesting that I also get those letters from the single young women who want a date. Are they talking to me, do you think, or are they trying to get to my husband through me? (which would be an interesting marketing ploy, wouldn’t it?) I guess it’s the Christian lesbian single women with the cleavage.
by Judy
on February 18th, 2008 at 7:18 am
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Too funny, CR, because spam is/was exactly what I was going to blog about this week! I guess we’ve been receiving so much of it, our minds are working in the same direction. I’m with you, I’m sick, sick, sick of it, will never fall for any of it, never plan to reply to it. So why don’t they just cut their loses and go away!
by Casey
on February 18th, 2008 at 8:44 am
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As you all know, Don is not one to toot his own horn, but he got a nice review in the Akron Beacon Joural yesterday:
Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll
Saint Barthelemy is another one of those Caribbean pleasure spots, and the setting for St. Bart Breakdown, a saga of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll by Lima author Don Bruns. Bruns’ recurring character Mick Sever, a famous rock journalist, has accepted an assignment to interview megaproducer Danny Murtz at his villa on St. Bart.
Murtz has a bad reputation with women — not only does he push them around, but also the last few he’s dated haven’t been seen again. Can Sever find out what’s happened to them? Can he do it before he’s killed by a car bomb or run off a winding road?
St. Bart Breakdown is a zippy read; Murtz’s drug-induced paranoia is nicely drawn, and his buttoned-up secretary is not as repressed as she seems (though readers may guess her secret early on).
St. Bart Breakdown (288 pages, hardcover) costs $24.95 from http://www.oceanviewpub.com.
by C.R.
on February 18th, 2008 at 8:53 am
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Hurray, Don! Great review. Unlike a certain other local newspaper that ignores in-state (and in-city) authors, the Akron Beacon Journal does a great job with its reviews. Love the “zippy” adjective.
by Casey
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:06 am
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Casey, what paper could you possibly be talking about?
And without mentioning any names, why do you think the PD ignores us?
by C.R.
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:09 am
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I to get all of the same spam stuff you get CR. Hmmmmmm. Maybe they feel if they throw a lot of do-do at the wall, some of it may stick and wha-la, a new client for what ever!
But I recently received a spam message, I’m guessing that’s what it was, that was a generic type threat to kill me!
Ay first I chose to fluff it off as another goofy spam broadcast because it came into my email address but was sent to a totally different email address?? those things show up every once in a while….emails to me but addressed to someome other than my exact address. I’m guessing its a broadcast email address with me being one of the locations to receive the message….any way, after a little thought, I didn’t want to just delete it. This one I handled a bit differently.
Anyone else out there get one of these?
by Zorro
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:15 am
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CR, here’s what I think about the PD situation . . .
Back a few years ago, a friend of mine was the entertainment editor at the PD. No, she didn’t make sure any of my books were reviewed. But she did make sure that the book reviews actually reflected what people were reading. The book pages talked about popular fiction, about paperback fiction. They were refreshing and interesting and relevant.
Since then, there have been two other book editors (I may have lost count, but I think this is right). They have apparently decided that northeast Ohio is a hotbed for “literary” fiction, and that’s all they talk about, all they review.
Have they listened to their readers? I don’t know one who reads the book pages. They are stuffy and trying so hard to be sophisticated that they are, instead, simply ridiculous.
Yikes! I guess I’ve expressed a politically incorrect opinion. So be it. It’s not like they would notice. I’m a “local” author so I must be invisible!
by Casey
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:35 am
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There’s a major reason why PD readership is sinking quickly…and no, its not because of the internet, and young people not reading, etc, etc. Most of the people at the PD are……uh……morons!
Don’t read it….don’t think I ever will again!
When I did get the paper delivered, they ALWAYS screwed up the invoicing. It was only correct when I had the carrier prepare the bill!
And hey, look at Cleveland.com…that’s the PD, I’m fairly sure, its riddled with errors, not properly updated, etc.
Back when the Indians were not so good….and even now that they are much better, if they were playing West of Cleveland, could you read a score in the paper the next day??? Nope!
PD people are BETTER than we little people!
Z
by Zorro
on February 18th, 2008 at 10:39 am
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C.R.
nice blog The reason we don’t read the newspaper anymore..the reason books are not being read…is because we’re too busy reading e mail!
Thanks for mentioning the review. I did get a review several years ago in the P.D. from a semi-famous Ohio mystery novelist who hasn’t been heard from in a while. It was not the most flattering review, but friends of mine suggested that his books were pretty lame.
Those people who clamor for reviews…be careful of what you wish for.
Don
by Don
on February 18th, 2008 at 10:58 am
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Don, that person is now publishing with a local-only publisher. Folks here in C-town think he’s the cat’s meow. Whatever the cat’s meow is. I recently did a signing at the Home & Garden Show and that author was there before me. I sold 7 books and asked the very nice person at the booth if I sold more than aforementioned author. “Oh, no,” he said. “But you haven’t written 14 books.” I twinkled in my very nice way and told him, “That’s right. I’ve published 38.”
by Casey
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:12 am
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casey;
grrrrrrrrrrrr!
by Don
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:15 am
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First to you, Zorro. I’m sending you some swell pills I bought over the Internet a while back. They’ll help smooth you out a little.
Now as to the PD re local authors. I think that they think if they cover local authors they’ll seem too local themselves, too parochial or something.
None of us want to get puff reviews just because we’re local, but local authors who are published nationally, or locally by prestigious publishers like Gray, should get some attention. Local sports teams are covered from a “home-town” perspective. Local artists should be covered, too.
I remember the legendary Cleveland bookseller Richard Gildenmeister telling me that for years he tried to get the PD to run a “local literati” column with reviews, signings, newsy tidbits, etc. Much like the Akron Beacon Journal does. But no cigar.
The one thing that does bug me about the Beacon’s Book Talk column is that it gives equal coverage to self-published books. Nothing wrong with self-publishing, but such books have not been “vetted” by the publishing industry. Don’s review yesterday, for example, followed a review by a local author with a self-published book.
by C.R.
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:16 am
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Casey, you’ve published 38 books?
Is that for this year only, or this year and last year combined?
by C.R.
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:19 am
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That’s a couple years, CR!
And just to take this whole conversation further, your book and my Pepper series are also set locally. You’d think that would be a huge selling point for getting coverage.
And another thing (since I’m on a roll here!), the PD’s reputation has gone as far as NYC. I recently had an editor say something to me about publicity. I mentioned I lived in the Cleveland area. “Oh,” she said, sounding as downcast as can be, “that newspaper.” Seems to be, their reputation proceeds them!
by Casey
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:41 am
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It’s a State rule, I swear it is. You have to live 100 miles from anywhere to be recognized as a true professional. It’s in the books. you can check it out if you want.
by Don
on February 18th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
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I think Jesus hit the nail on the head when he said, “Only in his own hometown is a man without honor.” I’m sure he probably said “man and/or woman,” being the equal-opportunity guy that he was, but you know how editors are, even the ancient ones.
by Krista of Pleiades
on February 19th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
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