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I got a cell phone.
I had decided long ago never to get one.
First of all, I detest the cell phone behavior of others. Yakking while driving. Yakking at coffee shops. Yakking in line at the bank. Yakking in supermarkets. Yakking everywhere. And I hate it when people’s phones go off, playing those horrible little tunes. And when they start buzzing and shaking like a horny 17-year locust, well, where’s a sledgehammer when you need one?
Secondly, how many computerized gizmos to I have to learn how to use? How many teeny-weenie little elf buttons do I need to push? How many interruptions do I need during the day?
Yes, yes, a cell phone would be great in an emergency, but how many times during your life do you actually have to call AAA?
So, I was never going to get one.
Then a few weeks ago, my brother got one.
My brother! Farmer Don! Mr. Luddite! Mr. 19th Century! The guy who makes the Amish seem like they’re on the Geek Squad!
So I had to get one.
My goal now is two-fold: (1) to never use it and (2) to master only the simplest functions in case I do have to use it: Turn it on. Turn it off. Make a call. Answer a call.
(My daughter did show me how to put numbers in the phone book, and use the speed dial, but that’s actually a part of making calls, so it really doesn’t count as a betrayal of my pig-headed convictions.
Here are some of the things I refuse to learn:
How to text message
How to take pictures
How to take videos
How to store or download pictures or videos
How to use the bluetooth
How to play music
How to do voicemail
How to give it voice commands
How to use it as a stopwatch
How to use it as a calendar
How to use it as a calculator
How to make it buzz and shake like a horny 17-year locust
Unless, of course, my brother learns how to do these things.
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So what’s your number?
by Zorro
on January 7th, 2008 at 7:21 am
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Help hints: DO learn to use the calendar reminders. It’ll save your bacon, someday.
DO download a custom ringtone - something tasteful but unique. (Mine is the overture to Carmen.) It’s the only way you’ll be able to tell it’s really your phone you hear ringing.
DON’T go to the mall and get a custom Ohio State color face plate for your phone. Not only will it buzz and shake like a horny 17-year locust, but it’ll LOOK like a horny 17-year locust as well.
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Another helpful hint:
Only give the number to people you actually want to call you. That way, you’ll know that when the phone rings, it’ll be someone you really want to talk to.
Also, it really is helpful when trying to connect with someone you’re supposed to be meeting, and you just happen to be waiting in opposite parking lots, or even differing towns. Not that anything like that has ever happened to me.
by Judy
on January 7th, 2008 at 8:15 am
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Don’t listen to Judy….you can give me your number. I won’t sell it to any telemarketers.
z
by Zorro
on January 7th, 2008 at 8:40 am
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Judy, did you actually wait for someone in the wrong town?
I once worked with a couple of reporters who flew to Rochester, NY, to cover a meeting, only to discover when they landed that the meeting was being held in Rochester, Minnesota.
And don’t worry about my number falling into the wrong hands. It’s so secret, I don’t even know it.
by C.R.
on January 7th, 2008 at 9:05 am
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Yes, I was waiting for Don in Beaver Dam at the McDonalds, and he was waiting for me in Bluffton at that McDonalds. And this was before I had a cell phone, so fortunately he just drove to BD and found me there. We never did quite know what happened, but we remain friends, although he wouldn’t speak to me for a month.
We also waited for each other in parking lots across the street from each other, but before it got to be too long I went looking and found him.
I now have a cell phone. I just have to make sure Don actually has the number.
by Judy
on January 7th, 2008 at 11:08 am
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I’m with you, CR. The more “conveniences” we’ve added to our lives, the more complicated they’ve become. I avoid all technology whenever possible. (Obviously that doesn’t include the computer!) I know how to use my cell phone only to make and receive calls. That’s enough for me.
by Casey
on January 7th, 2008 at 11:47 am
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I have done away with my cell phone. Sorry, Judy, but we’ll have to do it another way. I was watching a movie on it the other night ( Antonio Bandaras in Zorro, Zorro) and a call came in from MY brother, Dave. And as I put the movie on my phone on hold, I somehow activated the I pod section of the phone and tried to talk to Dave over ACDC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” For some reason the damned movie kicked back on and this time it was translated into Spanish, and my brother thought I was speaking in tongues. And then the GPS lady broke in saying “You have made a wrong turn. Please, make a legal U Turn. Please, make a legal U Turn.”
I wanted to.
And now, until the battery dies, Bruce Johnson sings from the bottom of my trash can…”the walls were shakin, the earth was quakin’ , you, shook me all night long…”
by Don
on January 7th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
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It was the Zorro movie that did it, Don. Happens every time.
by Casey
on January 7th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
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What I want to know, Don, is why you were watching Zorro while you were driving. Isn’t that a bit…well…dangerous?
by Judy
on January 7th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
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You are never in danger with ZORRO!
by Zorro
on January 7th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
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Having a GPS is just another way of stopping to ask for directions.
And no real man does that.
A real man gets directions off the Internet, memorizes them, and then pretends he knows the way because of his genetic sense of direction.
by C.R.
on January 7th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
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It was just a part of the package, C.R.
My manhood is not in question. The phone came with movies, GPS, Laser beams, all the volumes in the New York Public Library,an entire Mr. Boston drink mix guide, and, as I said, the GPS. I don’t use the thing! ( Do I Judy?) But I always seem to be trying to make a legal U Turn.
“Make a legal U turn. Make a legal U turn.”
by Don
on January 7th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
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I affirm that I have never seen Don use his phone’s GPS system. But I have seen him access the Internet on it while on the back roads of Indiana.
And I have never seen him make a U-turn, legal or illegal.
by Judy
on January 7th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
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U turn is better than a v turn. Those are nearly impossible due to the g forces involved.
But…I frequently make Z turns! Get it?? Z turns….tee hee yuk…..yuk>
by Zorro
on January 7th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
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go to bed everybody
by C.R.
on January 7th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
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