My name is Felix Gomez. You may be familiar with my vampire detective adventures. I was going to release my stories as an autobiography but ever since James Frey and the scandal over A Million Little Pieces, my publisher won’t allow me to present anything in memoir form without first substantiating my claims. The problem is, the very nature of being a vampire keeps me from providing evidence. Try explaining that to a corporate lawyer. So for now, I’m forced to offer my life in novelized form, which I dictate to my scribe, Mario Acevedo.

As a vampire, I’m not that different from the rest of you, overlooking of course, my supernatural powers and the bloodsucking. I often find my existence wandering off track and the New Year is a great opportunity to reflect and embark yet again to make myself a better man, I mean vampire.

Here are my top five resolutions for the New Year:

1. No more cheap shoes. The menacing vampire effect is ruined when you’re limping around with corns on your little toes.

2. Be more accepting about human vampire wanna-bes. Realize that it’s a diverse world out there, and we must tolerate those fruitcakes who spell vampyre and go around with fake fangs and do the whole goth creatures of the night nonsense.

3. Avoid getting shot. Open wounds and shattered bones are such a drag. Too much lead in my system is bad for the complexion.

4. Continue my search for the perfect Manhattan.

5. Date Rachael Ray. I find her Joker leer disturbingly sexy. I read in the tabloids that she divorced hubby. Would Rachael give me a Yum-O!

Happy Fanging.

Felix Gomez would like to be your friend at MySpace.com/felixgomezvampire

Mario Acevedo is the author of The Nymphos of Rocky Flats, X-Rated Bloodsuckers, and The Undead Kama Sutra (March 2008), from Eos, an imprint of HarperCollins. Mario lives and writes in Denver, Colorado. You can learn more at Biting-Edge.blogspot.com or www.MarioAcevedo.com