I am a hip, trendy guy. I quickly succumb to new fads and technologies – usually within a decade or two.

Christmas is no exception.

There was a time when I refused to have an artificial tree. Now I have one. There was a time when I disdainfully shook my head at the show-offs who covered their houses with lights. Now my house twinkles like a lightening bug convention at a nuclear power plant. I used to ridicule people who sent out those icky Christmas letters – about how well their darling son is doing at the car wash and such – and now I send one out, too. And gift cards! Boy how I used to growl about those! Carol is out buying a trunk-load of them right now.

I still doggedly hang onto a few traditions, however.

For example, I always make lasagna for Christmas dinner. As you know, that’s what the fourth Wise Man would have brought the baby Jesus had his camel not picked up a stone in his hoof ten miles south of Bethlehem.

I make Christmas cookies. The easy cut-outs in the shape of trees and stars and bells. It’s important to over-bake about half of them, so you can eat them yourself. Is there anything better in life than a tall glass of cold milk and a plate of ugly sugar cookies? I can’t imagine what it would be.

Which brings us to my Christmas song.

Many years ago I wrote a Christmas song. Actually it’s a Christmas Eve song. My plan was to teach it to the family and then we could all sing it every year. We would sing and laugh and have so much fun! Nobody wanted any part of it.

So every year I find it in my computer files and I sing it out loud to myself. Yesterday morning when I started singing it, Carol took the dogs into the bedroom and shut the door.

But it’s a dandy song, nonetheless. Yes, it has way too many verses and way too many words. Yes, it has to be sung faster than an elf on helium. Yes, there is no actual music to follow, inasmuch as I can’t play a note. Yes, I’m the only one who knows the tune.

But I reprint my Christmas Eve song here as my gift to all of you. You can either recite it as a poem or make up your own tune. If you do try to sing it, let me give you a few hints: the intro should be sung very slow and serious. The verses should be sung as fast and breathlessly as you can. And as loud as you can. When I sing it, I picture the Mitch Miller Singers after too much eggnog.

Here goes:

A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS EVE
Words and no music by C.R. Corwin

Intro:

Everybody sings about Christmas
That most wonderful day of the year
But if there’s one thing that really gets us peeved,
It’s that nobody ever sings about Christmas Eve.

So, to rectify that situation
Yes, to ameliorate that unfortunate oversight
We gather around our grand old piano
And pay tribute to that very special night . . . .

First verse:

It was cold, it was snowing
Wintry winds were blowing
But the fire was lighted
Our friends all invited and we,
Had the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve

We laughed and we sang
We danced while jingle bells rang
Though outside it was storming
Inside you were warming to me
It was the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve

There was nog, there was wassail
Bob wore a cap with a tassel
Though we emptied our cups,
It just wasn’t enough, didn’t we
Have the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve

Chorus:

We started planning back in November,
For a bash we’d all remember
Twelve long months we’ve been scattered afar,
So we came back to town some by plane some by train,
Some by bus, in a rush, some by car

Second verse:

Dave up from Atlanta
Dressed up like a very fat Santa
Tripped over his sack
And fell smack into the tree, still
It was the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve

What’s that stuff over the door
Mistletoe move a little bit more
How could we resist,
Our very first kiss, didn’t we,
Have the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve.

A sweater’s a very fine gift
Who cares if it doesn’t fit
Have some more punch,
And a cookie to munch, don’t you agree,
It’s the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve

Chorus:

We started planning back in November,
For a bash we’d all remember.
Twelve long months we’ve been scattered afar,
So we came back to town some by plane some by train,
Some by bus, in a rush, some by car

Third verse:

Make a toast, watch chestnuts roast
Rattle packages like Christmas past ghosts
Wake those who’re napping,
There’re gifts for unwrapping, say didn’t we,
Have the most glorious, wonderful, marvel-ous
Christmas Eve.

Though outside it was still snowing
Inside we were all glowing
Gathered round the piano
Out of tune in soprano, we sang,
Fa la-la-la-la,la-la-
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lah!

What’s that noise up on the roof?
Just the neighbor, he’s had enough
Of our laughing and smashing
And singing and ringing,
Bob, watch out the tree! (ker-rash!)
It was the most wonderful, glorious
Noisy, notorious,
Funny uproarious,
Can’t take much more of this,
Magical, mystical,
So irresistible
Marvel-ous, Christmas Eve

And you better believe,
That twelve months from tonight,
When the winter moon is bright,
We’ll string up the lights,
Mail out the invites,
And all set our sights,
On the most glorious, wonderful,
Capital M marvelous
No distance’s too far for us,
Did we say marvelous?
I’m sure we said marvelous
Christmas Eve

Fa la-la
Christmas Eve
Fa la-la
Christmas Eve
Ding-ding-ding
Don’t you dare leave
Fa la la
Fa la la
Fa la la
Christmas Eeeeevvvvve!

Now, who wants to read my Christmas letter?