David Letterman Has Nothing to Fear
Every once in a while something will land in my inbox that’s a keeper. These “neuroses” were forwarded to me a couple of years ago from a writing buddy who’d gotten it from a writing buddy…and so on. I don’t know who originated the e-mail, or to whom to attribute this Top Ten, so if you do, please let me know.
I thought other writers might get a kick out of it, and readers might like to get a glimpse of what really goes on it our heads—and perhaps be able to recommend appropriate medications.
So, here goes:
Top Ten Writing Related Neuroses
10. OMD (Obsessive Mailbox Disorder).
The need to check one’s mailbox every 5-10 minutes in search of rejections or acceptances. A similar phenomenon has been observed with online correspondence.
*The mailbox one is especially true when you’re just starting out writing. The e-mail also includes hoping for fan letters and Googling your name for reviews (I know I’m not alone on that one!).
9. Manuscript Perfectionism.
“Let me help you write that thank you note to Grandma, First of all, let’s make sure it’s in Courier font, 12-point, and double-spaced. Now put your name in one corner and the word count in the other…”
*Don’t get my kids started…
8. E-mail Retentiveness.
The need to point out and/or correct typos, grammar mistakes, punctuation, etc., in e-mail and other online correspondence.
*Now this is something I *don’t* do. However, I *think* it and am mentally editing.
7. Cinematic Impotence.
The inability to enjoy movies due to the constant analysis of storyline, character development, and plot holes.
*This is true of every author I know. And it also applies to the literary world. It’s hard to read a book now without seeing the structure behind the words.
6. AADD (Authorial Attention Deficit Disorder).
“What was that? Sorry, I was thinking about a story idea…”
*A dead giveaway is when we suddenly pull out a notebook in the middle of a conversation.
5. Sleep Disorders.
When one jolts awake at 2:00 a.m. to write down an idea. Note: Said ideas have only a 25%-30% chance of coherence when viewed the next day.
*Or just as bad—thinking of something right before you drift off to sleep absolutely *certain* you’ll remember it in the morning. Then don’t.
4. Mini-Depression.
Usually seen upon receiving another rejection letter. “But __ was my best story! What’s wrong with these editors? What’s wrong with me? I suck at this! I should just give it up. I’m the worst writer in the world! Hey, what if I rewrote it in first person and chopped out the bits with the octopus? Yeah, that would be perfect!” Often leads to:
3. Manic Episodes.
“Get out of the way! I need a computer/notepad/typewriter NOW! I’ve got the BEST idea, and I can’t do ANYTHING ELSE until I write this ENTIRE STORY!”
*Every writer I know has gone through the mini-depression at one point or another. Often multiple times. And it’s true—it usually drives the determination to succeed, even if it is in a manic way.
2. Inappropriate Affect.
When emotional response doesn’t match the situation. Your cousin got stoned and crashed his Corvette into a Chinese restaurant? Wow! What a great story starter!”
*Sad, but also true. And our faces light up at hearing news stories we can twist into plots. I’m telling you, we need meds.
1. A Perverse Love of Rejection.
Who else would proudly state, “I have over 300 rejection letters sitting in the box under my dresser!”
*My rejections are sitting in a file cabinet in a thick file labeled “rejects.” And I’m darn proud of all 116 of them.
So there it is. A glimpse into the mind of a writer. Scary in there, isn’t it?
~heather
